no, this isn't about my menstrual cycle.
i guess i've been a consistent once-a-month-blogger.
how much does that suck? it's a lot like getting home to check your blank calendar, only to discover that you left it at work and then to remember that it's empty, and sitting on your ass, not doing a thing for hours. only to remember that you haven't written in a month...
as much as it sucks, i'm better at this than calling my family [even the new, biological one that i am slowly becoming acquainted with]. though i love them, truly, [madly?], deeply. . . i find it difficult to communicate with humans quite often.
i hope this will get better.
i will leave it up to time to tell.
without further adeue,
goodnight.
Sunday, June 21, 2009
Saturday, May 9, 2009
the last year
The last year has been full of surprises and well planned moments.
Highlights:
1. I met my mother. The woman who gave birth to me, whom I never thought I would come in contact with.
It came as a surprise, though I was completely prepared and absolutely ready. It was perfect. It has been one year since it started with a surprise meeting in a natural food store.
2. I got a job and have been insane. BUT I am learning more than I had ever expected, and am grateful for the opportunity to be with the amazing people who inhabit Central City East.
3. I have been the subject of many confusions: a. I am not 17, or younger, I am 24 years old, I don't care how old you think I look, I have in fact lived for 24 years. b. I am Jewish, but I do not know Hebrew, I do not have a dradle, I don't want to be a lawyer, I don't think, and I do not know much about what it really means to carry this heritage, thank you for the reminder, I am learing. c. No, I will not sleep with you, nor will I do this, that, or the other thing. For some reason, some men find it fitting to whistle and blow kisses and holler crude and suggestive comments at me.
4. Dating is a strange game. I have this thing called a boyfriend now, and people think my life is suppsed to be drastically different. All I know, is that it is nice to have a friend who thinks I'm beautiful and cares more about consistency than some people I have known for years. I am grateful for the people who are consistent in my life. I often find myself wondering how they do it, and why they would want to commit to me, but I am grateful, and I am glad that they chose to 'date' me and commit in various ways. I pray I might be a friend like boyfriends apparently are. I hope to have been purposeful this last year. And consistent. If not, I have this year to make up for it.
5. I ate meat only a few times, and I found that it is not as appealing as I once thought. The occasions were as follows: one - in Kansas City, the occasion called for compliance and consideration of a gracious host offering me barbeque. two - at Ivy's house. She made a chicken pot pie and invited me over for dinner. I hate chicken, but this was pretty good. three - on Hannukah at the schleimers, the had lamb, I ate lamb. it was kosher, and i think feel okay about that. it tasted delicious. four - my grandmother made a pot roast and turkey on the same holiday and said, 'You love potroast, you must eat it!' and scowled. In spite I had three bites of the roast and two of the turkey. All I could think of was the farm that the beef came from and shit. fumes from corn fed bovine produced fecal matter floating in the air, moving throughout the atmosphere and into my nostrils as i consumed the lovely and salty meat prepared by the beautiful woman i call 'gram cracker.' and I still think Turkey tastes like chemicals.
6. Cody at church was one of the most beautiful moments I could have ever imagined. he looks like me, he plays the ukelele, and he loves peace and loves love more than most human beings i have ever met. I hope to be like him someday.
7. realising that it doesn't take a degree in anything to love people like Jesus. this has been an ongoing process, but getting down on myself for not having my transcripts because of a second semeste language course, has bothered me a lot. i have felt in adequate. this is obsurd. i am going to take this dumb test again soon and try to pass it. if i do not, i will take the class and hopefully be done with it.
8. today, you are enough. you are beautiful, and you are loved by the Creator of the universe. let that be okay and let it be enough.
this has been a phrase that has gone through my head often and if not daily, certainly weekly. it may have changed my life in many positive ways.
9. i blogged more consistently this last year than i think i ever have in my life.
i hardly wrote anything down. i am excited for the hope of writing in the future.
10. there is a blue jay in the back patio of the condo i live in with heidi. she has been one of the most significant blessings in my life in the last year, and I don't think she knows. it. but i am grateful.
Highlights:
1. I met my mother. The woman who gave birth to me, whom I never thought I would come in contact with.
It came as a surprise, though I was completely prepared and absolutely ready. It was perfect. It has been one year since it started with a surprise meeting in a natural food store.
2. I got a job and have been insane. BUT I am learning more than I had ever expected, and am grateful for the opportunity to be with the amazing people who inhabit Central City East.
3. I have been the subject of many confusions: a. I am not 17, or younger, I am 24 years old, I don't care how old you think I look, I have in fact lived for 24 years. b. I am Jewish, but I do not know Hebrew, I do not have a dradle, I don't want to be a lawyer, I don't think, and I do not know much about what it really means to carry this heritage, thank you for the reminder, I am learing. c. No, I will not sleep with you, nor will I do this, that, or the other thing. For some reason, some men find it fitting to whistle and blow kisses and holler crude and suggestive comments at me.
4. Dating is a strange game. I have this thing called a boyfriend now, and people think my life is suppsed to be drastically different. All I know, is that it is nice to have a friend who thinks I'm beautiful and cares more about consistency than some people I have known for years. I am grateful for the people who are consistent in my life. I often find myself wondering how they do it, and why they would want to commit to me, but I am grateful, and I am glad that they chose to 'date' me and commit in various ways. I pray I might be a friend like boyfriends apparently are. I hope to have been purposeful this last year. And consistent. If not, I have this year to make up for it.
5. I ate meat only a few times, and I found that it is not as appealing as I once thought. The occasions were as follows: one - in Kansas City, the occasion called for compliance and consideration of a gracious host offering me barbeque. two - at Ivy's house. She made a chicken pot pie and invited me over for dinner. I hate chicken, but this was pretty good. three - on Hannukah at the schleimers, the had lamb, I ate lamb. it was kosher, and i think feel okay about that. it tasted delicious. four - my grandmother made a pot roast and turkey on the same holiday and said, 'You love potroast, you must eat it!' and scowled. In spite I had three bites of the roast and two of the turkey. All I could think of was the farm that the beef came from and shit. fumes from corn fed bovine produced fecal matter floating in the air, moving throughout the atmosphere and into my nostrils as i consumed the lovely and salty meat prepared by the beautiful woman i call 'gram cracker.' and I still think Turkey tastes like chemicals.
6. Cody at church was one of the most beautiful moments I could have ever imagined. he looks like me, he plays the ukelele, and he loves peace and loves love more than most human beings i have ever met. I hope to be like him someday.
7. realising that it doesn't take a degree in anything to love people like Jesus. this has been an ongoing process, but getting down on myself for not having my transcripts because of a second semeste language course, has bothered me a lot. i have felt in adequate. this is obsurd. i am going to take this dumb test again soon and try to pass it. if i do not, i will take the class and hopefully be done with it.
8. today, you are enough. you are beautiful, and you are loved by the Creator of the universe. let that be okay and let it be enough.
this has been a phrase that has gone through my head often and if not daily, certainly weekly. it may have changed my life in many positive ways.
9. i blogged more consistently this last year than i think i ever have in my life.
i hardly wrote anything down. i am excited for the hope of writing in the future.
10. there is a blue jay in the back patio of the condo i live in with heidi. she has been one of the most significant blessings in my life in the last year, and I don't think she knows. it. but i am grateful.
Thursday, April 30, 2009
richmond, va. haves and have nots... and a few big BUTS
a short, and fairly poorly communicated reflection, for the sake of doing something in this moment...
whats that i have
1. a lot to think about since our return from sojourners mobilisation to end poverty
2. many thoughts on what poverty looks like to the wealthy
3. lots of things (like clothing, books - on poverty and slavery and history, accessories, 'necessary' items, etc...)
4. things i don't need (clothing, books, accessories)
5. things i do need (food? water? clothing?)
6. things that carry meaning (my owl necklace, the one i never wear)
7. questions about meaning (thank you to the philosophers)
8. access to resources
9. an education
10. an ethnic history of oppression, that i do not immediately identify with
11. too much?
12. enough?
13. more which i am currently forgetting...
whats that i have not
1. answers to every question 'why'
2. my bachelors degree
3. a master's degree
4. dark skin or a sub-standard way of living
5. pure understanding (from experience) of the issues that i am so passionate about
6. written enough in the last few months
7. as many tattoos as i think one should have at this point in their life
8. read as much as my friends
9. a strong notion of purpose driven effective behavior
10. cast my vote for a presidential candidate
11. shared my story, God's story, enough
12. lost sight, though i have been close
13. apple sauce (it sounded good)
14. finished as much as i would like
in all of these things i feel a failure, or accomplished, and they are often things that, of my own volition, it is likely might happen, or may not ... BUT in all of it ...
1. i am hopeful because of the sacrifice of Christ and in the God who is and was and is to come
2. i will always be aware of the time that we all have been given in each breath to praise and glorify God
3. i know that answers will come
4. though there is much to accomplish, i remember that much has been accomplished
5. Christ has conquered, that I might move forward in hope, amidst my own selfishness and pride
6. there is hope in waiting and embracing the gift of time
7. there is enough, always enough, for the Kingdom
Praise be to God for all that we have, be it a little or a lot, for our lives, and for the ability that we have to join with the saints and sing, Hallelujah.
more to come. better things. someday.
whats that i have
1. a lot to think about since our return from sojourners mobilisation to end poverty
2. many thoughts on what poverty looks like to the wealthy
3. lots of things (like clothing, books - on poverty and slavery and history, accessories, 'necessary' items, etc...)
4. things i don't need (clothing, books, accessories)
5. things i do need (food? water? clothing?)
6. things that carry meaning (my owl necklace, the one i never wear)
7. questions about meaning (thank you to the philosophers)
8. access to resources
9. an education
10. an ethnic history of oppression, that i do not immediately identify with
11. too much?
12. enough?
13. more which i am currently forgetting...
whats that i have not
1. answers to every question 'why'
2. my bachelors degree
3. a master's degree
4. dark skin or a sub-standard way of living
5. pure understanding (from experience) of the issues that i am so passionate about
6. written enough in the last few months
7. as many tattoos as i think one should have at this point in their life
8. read as much as my friends
9. a strong notion of purpose driven effective behavior
10. cast my vote for a presidential candidate
11. shared my story, God's story, enough
12. lost sight, though i have been close
13. apple sauce (it sounded good)
14. finished as much as i would like
in all of these things i feel a failure, or accomplished, and they are often things that, of my own volition, it is likely might happen, or may not ... BUT in all of it ...
1. i am hopeful because of the sacrifice of Christ and in the God who is and was and is to come
2. i will always be aware of the time that we all have been given in each breath to praise and glorify God
3. i know that answers will come
4. though there is much to accomplish, i remember that much has been accomplished
5. Christ has conquered, that I might move forward in hope, amidst my own selfishness and pride
6. there is hope in waiting and embracing the gift of time
7. there is enough, always enough, for the Kingdom
Praise be to God for all that we have, be it a little or a lot, for our lives, and for the ability that we have to join with the saints and sing, Hallelujah.
more to come. better things. someday.
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
To Do List
1. Learn more about, and write a midrash
2. Write more about people you've never met, like the giant man on the metro
3. Post something you've written
4. Be a better friend
5. Learn who your friends are - I often wonder if this task will last for my entire life - will you be my friend?
6. Make more 'to do' lists and check things off
7. figure out how to make boxes in the blogging text, check this one off
2. Write more about people you've never met, like the giant man on the metro
3. Post something you've written
4. Be a better friend
5. Learn who your friends are - I often wonder if this task will last for my entire life - will you be my friend?
6. Make more 'to do' lists and check things off
7. figure out how to make boxes in the blogging text, check this one off
Thursday, February 26, 2009
story for work
this is a story i had to write for my americorps job... i had to write it pretty fast, so it hasn't been edited, but i've been busy lately, and haven't posted much, so here's this...
In the corner of the park on San Julian and 5th St. on Skid Row in Los Angeles, California, is an angel. As the morning sun shone on the old brick building that was parallel to the street, the ivy shone a deep shade of green, the leaves holding the light like a child holding a precious gift. The westerly wall, a faded cream color, probably ‘Swiss White Mocha’ or another factory option with an equally appealing name to it, created a casual corner for empty benches and dead shrubberies which lined it. By the gate, the proverbial scent of marijuana and grape bubble gum infuses the air. It took me five months to notice this angel, but when I finally did, it changed my life.
Just outside the park, on the bus stop sign a woman hangs and dangles. She is one of many women who often keep themselves up by holding on to this not-so-sturdy post. When I stop to wonder and really think about who these women are and what they might need, I am often baffled at the seemingly impossible means through which they are forced to survive. My heart aches for a moment in the beauty of the day and the sorrow before me; then she stops, and smiles at me, so I smile back, because it is all that I have to give, and I am reminded of the angel in the corner, and remember that angels don’t always show their wings.
Turning the next corner onto San Pedro, walking towards Union Rescue Mission, and the building where our after-school program meets, watching my feet, being sure not to step on the cracks, because, Aaliyah, one of the Kindergarteners in our program says that one should not step on them, I watch as a stray drop of spit from the man yelling obscenities hits my shoe. It could be worse, I think as I continue walking, wondering if I’m late. The man went on and on about the injustices in Los Angeles, the United States, the world. He stopped for a moment when he got to Africa, and then shouted, “But there is hope! There is hope!” I smiled as Pete Seeger sang, “We shall overcome” in my headphones. There he stood, yet another angel on the corner, shouting for justice, and proclaiming hope where it is so desperately needed.
As I walked into the building thinking of all the mess that is this world we live in, I got excited to see Bam Bam, Aaliyah’s older brother who is autistic and has ADHD. Bam Bam is unable to participate daily in our program, but he stops by at the end of every day with his mother to pick up his younger sister. I have known him for about 5 months now. He used to run in, wreaking havoc however he could, slamming doors, turning lights off or on, hitting people, throwing things, etc… Knowing that there was little I personally could do to keep him from doing these things, I decided to try talking to him, asking him silly questions, knowing full well that he might never verbalise his answers to me. That day, walking into our building, it was so exciting to walk into our building and remember Bam Bam playing with his favorite game, “Let’s Go Fishin,” and yelling, “Bishy!” (his version of my name, Misty) when I walked in. The smile on his face sincere and mischievous, I wondered what he might do. Expecting him to run around and throw a fish at someone, or to turn the lights off, I was so pleasantly surprised when he ran up and hugged me, and then returned to his game in the corner by himself. With the hood of his oversized sweatshirt hanging on his crouched back, for a moment, it almost looked as if Bam Bam had a wing, and was preparing to take flight towards the heavens.
These angels remind me each day of the beauty that exists in this world. That, though sometimes a situations may appear dire or intimidating, with patience and a smile, and the willingness to notice and pay attention to what often seems unimportant, we might be reminded that there is in fact hope, a great deal of it in fact.
In the corner of the park on San Julian and 5th St. on Skid Row in Los Angeles, California, is an angel. As the morning sun shone on the old brick building that was parallel to the street, the ivy shone a deep shade of green, the leaves holding the light like a child holding a precious gift. The westerly wall, a faded cream color, probably ‘Swiss White Mocha’ or another factory option with an equally appealing name to it, created a casual corner for empty benches and dead shrubberies which lined it. By the gate, the proverbial scent of marijuana and grape bubble gum infuses the air. It took me five months to notice this angel, but when I finally did, it changed my life.
Just outside the park, on the bus stop sign a woman hangs and dangles. She is one of many women who often keep themselves up by holding on to this not-so-sturdy post. When I stop to wonder and really think about who these women are and what they might need, I am often baffled at the seemingly impossible means through which they are forced to survive. My heart aches for a moment in the beauty of the day and the sorrow before me; then she stops, and smiles at me, so I smile back, because it is all that I have to give, and I am reminded of the angel in the corner, and remember that angels don’t always show their wings.
Turning the next corner onto San Pedro, walking towards Union Rescue Mission, and the building where our after-school program meets, watching my feet, being sure not to step on the cracks, because, Aaliyah, one of the Kindergarteners in our program says that one should not step on them, I watch as a stray drop of spit from the man yelling obscenities hits my shoe. It could be worse, I think as I continue walking, wondering if I’m late. The man went on and on about the injustices in Los Angeles, the United States, the world. He stopped for a moment when he got to Africa, and then shouted, “But there is hope! There is hope!” I smiled as Pete Seeger sang, “We shall overcome” in my headphones. There he stood, yet another angel on the corner, shouting for justice, and proclaiming hope where it is so desperately needed.
As I walked into the building thinking of all the mess that is this world we live in, I got excited to see Bam Bam, Aaliyah’s older brother who is autistic and has ADHD. Bam Bam is unable to participate daily in our program, but he stops by at the end of every day with his mother to pick up his younger sister. I have known him for about 5 months now. He used to run in, wreaking havoc however he could, slamming doors, turning lights off or on, hitting people, throwing things, etc… Knowing that there was little I personally could do to keep him from doing these things, I decided to try talking to him, asking him silly questions, knowing full well that he might never verbalise his answers to me. That day, walking into our building, it was so exciting to walk into our building and remember Bam Bam playing with his favorite game, “Let’s Go Fishin,” and yelling, “Bishy!” (his version of my name, Misty) when I walked in. The smile on his face sincere and mischievous, I wondered what he might do. Expecting him to run around and throw a fish at someone, or to turn the lights off, I was so pleasantly surprised when he ran up and hugged me, and then returned to his game in the corner by himself. With the hood of his oversized sweatshirt hanging on his crouched back, for a moment, it almost looked as if Bam Bam had a wing, and was preparing to take flight towards the heavens.
These angels remind me each day of the beauty that exists in this world. That, though sometimes a situations may appear dire or intimidating, with patience and a smile, and the willingness to notice and pay attention to what often seems unimportant, we might be reminded that there is in fact hope, a great deal of it in fact.
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
repose
hildegard von bingen is a woman who i have a great deal of respect for. having lived from (roughly around) 1098-1179, she was one of the earliest feminists on record. she wrote about womens lives in unique ways and empowered creation to move towards God. in an effort to train myself in the art of research, i may consume more of my 'blog real estate' on her.
until then, i think i'll rest a bit from writing, unelss something particularly good flows from the tips of these cold and dry hands.
until then, i think i'll rest a bit from writing, unelss something particularly good flows from the tips of these cold and dry hands.
Sunday, January 25, 2009
felicity
On a telephone pole sat a dripping seagull. It had been a quiet, peaceful day, but the night in her little suburban town turned stormy. When a gust of wind uprooted her from her perch, she went soaring, straight down into the water below. While falling, she adjusted her feathers and wings to take flight, but with a broken wing, things like this are quite difficult. Upon contact with the water, frustrated yet unwilling to consign herself to a fate of drowning in 3 feet of water in a blow-up kiddy pool, in a strangers backyard. . . she thrust herself up with every bit of strength that she could muster, and floated -as awkwardly as any soaking bird with a broken wing would- to the top of the lowest pole and assumed her position; waiting and watching.
At least her eyes were still good.
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