here's a story... there was a helicopter that was flying overhead. it was really low and really loud. I was leaning on the wall and could feel myself vibrating. the helicopter was so close that I could feel the vibrations intensely as it flew close overhead. this whole feeling thing is like trying to convince myself that although i could hear the helicopter, it wasn't actually there and i wasn't really feeling anything at all. it would be like denying the fact that my body was forced into movement. Regardless of whether we acknowledge them or not, things are happening all around us that cause us to feel.
Sometimes it's a simple vibration of the wall from the flight of a helicopter. sometimes, it's the intense and uncontrollable shaking of our beings because of the movement of the Holy Spirit in our lives. Other times its the soft pitter patter of our hearts when a man whom we are attracted to walks into the room. it's in the shaking of our fists because we don't know where to go in life, or what to do, or who to turn to. it's the involuntary shaking of our bodies because its cold and we have no clothes and are malnourished because we live on the streets and have nothing...
Feeling is personal, hard, wonderful, confusing, painful at times, awkward and uncomfortable, strange, alarming, but also joyful, beautiful and most importantly, very real.
On Walkabout during my solo time I spent a lot of time reading "the word." I was immersed in Ezekiel and read all about the pain and the suffering and judgement that Israel went through. But... there are always "buts". . . someday I'd love to give a sermon on God's BIG "But(t)" (in hindsight, perhaps I'd call it something along the lines of, "What happens when God's big ass gets in the way"). So, Ezekiel: in chapter 36 vs 22-37 (focusing on 24-27) God gives this beautiful promise of new, clean, life. V. 26 says "...I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit within you; and I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh."
Now, I LOVE this! God forgives, cleanses and makes new our lives! He, or She, removes these hearts of stone that don't feel, and once broken, cannot be fixed. These weigh our flesh down; stone is heavy and a burden that flesh can only bear so long. God gives us a heart of flesh-meaning a few things: 1) our hearts and bodies are complete, no longer opposed to one another; 2) we get a new chance to feel - something that doesn't really work with stone; and 3) as a part of this feeling, we are given the opportunity for vulnerability! Flesh allows us to feel. Sometimes that involves pain. Sometimes it does not. But the AMAZING thing about flesh is that it heals. In fact, it is self healing! God allows our hearts to feel, be broken yes, but also to be healed from that brokenness. This allows us to feel immense pleasure, and grave pain. And through it all, there is healing and peace. Yes-flesh bleeds, it is scratched, can be cut deeply, and unlike stone, these happen rather easily, BUT also unlike stone, it heals!
[And now more about boys] After my last relationship, for a time I felt worthless. pitiful. idiotic. unfaithful. bitter. dirty... need I say more? And then, at the RA retreat, I got that letter I had written to myself that last day of walkabout. (I'll mention, that usually I hate these things). It didn't say much, which isn't like me (as you can see from this lovely lengthy email). All it said was: "pray for your brother Tommy-and love him, he needs love. remember that you have been created for a beautiful purpose. examine your life and all that God is teaching you- what is God teaching you? stop and think about it. If you still have feelings for [him], pray about it, consider why God has put this amazing friend in your life (is stuff still going on with [her]? if it is, be patient, if it isn't, be patient-basically BE PATIENT). And lastly, if you've forgotten it: you're forgiven, but go back and read Ezekiel 36:22-37. Do whatever you need to feel and make YHWH's name known! and read psalm 103-remember how it made you cry?"
After reading my strangely simple letter to myself I was overwhelmed with feelings! Lots of them! I read the scriptures and couldn't believe how much God had prepared that letter, just a silly piece of paper with words, that I knew would be meaningless, for that time in my life. It's pretty amazing the things we tell ourselves to do then forget. I couldn't believe how prophetic it was. It was ridiculous! Everything about my brother, stopping and thinking about what God was teaching me, stuff with boys and friends, the scripture - everything! It all helped me feel more in my heart than I had truly felt in a long time. Not only was it ok to be vulnerable, it was this little gift that God had given me. Yeah, it would be hard, yeah I might get hurt - in fact, I would get hurt, but it was good, or okay. and now I can say that it IS good.
Back to your email about feelings, I totally understand the fear of closeness - but it takes vulnerability to be close. I am completely afraid to take risks. Because I'm selfish. Full of pride! When I like someone, I find myself longing to tell him how i feel. Talk about vulnerable! But I have to ask myself "mist, what are your motives? do you want him to know because you want him to be madly in love with you?" - yes - "do you think he likes you? why would he like you?" ... and then I start thinking about other things "why should he like you?" and then... "why is this about you? What about him??" That's the hard question. I then realize that my motives, where they should be giving my friend freedom, and helping him see the Living God in our friendship, and having freedom in the Life that God gives, but instead, I am making it about me. Risks are good. Risk is important in the life of faith, and when I hear God telling me that I need to tell him, if that ever happens, I will. Until then, like I told myself to do on walkabout, I will be patient. I have to realize that so much of these thoughts and wishes that I have about/for him, have been centered on me. I need to ask myself, is he ready for a relationship? I know him well enough to know that he really isn't. At least not at this point in his life. Maybe when he gets back from Romania he will be. But if he is, does that mean he should be in a relationship with me? And then the infamous answer: wait. He hasn't even left for Romania yet, and here I am trying to figure out how he'll be when he gets back. I am beginning to think that waiting is a risk too. I don't know what will happen to him in Romania, I don't know what will happen to me in Thailand. Maybe I'll get back and have no feelings for him, which I kind of doubt, but that isn't entirely possible. And what if I were to tell him how I felt before we both left (respectively) and he didn't like me then, but then when he returned he did, only to find out that I felt nothing for him anymore. This scenario could play itself out in my mind over and over and get completely out of control -or- I can wait. Which I am doing. When I get back from Thailand, I know that I'm going to see him. He might actually give me a ride home from the airport, and if I don't see him then, it's likely he'll be at church on Sunday. If not then, eventually, I know we'll see each other, I know we'll hang out. It's inevitable. So, I'll wait for the inevitable. We'll see how I feel then, if I feel the same way, I know I need to take a new kind of risk and share my feelings, and if I don't feel the same way, then there will be new hurdles to jump and when they come I'll be as prepared as I can be. Until then, I know that I can do nothing but feel in each moment. Embrace each feeling and find out how God is calling me to live more abundantly through each feeling. Trying to figure out how I can live a life for the One who gave His Life for the Life of the world.
"This is us trudging our way through experiences heading toward this urge inside of is looking for companionship"
Rebekah, that is a beautiful thought. In it I need to challenge myself that sometimes "companionship" doesn't mean with a man. It is companionship with Christ, with the church, with the world, that I desire. In my humanity, as a woman, yes, I do desire companionship with a man. But until that comes, if it comes, how is my desire for my companionship fulfilled through my relationship with Christ. How can I use my gifts and life to be in companionship with Creation? What is loneliness? A simple feeling? Is it good? I don't think that God calls any to be lonely. He might call some to be alone, and others to be in a partnership, but I think that of all the feelings, hurt, pain, love, loss, excitement... loneliness is the worst. So, I guess, if anything, this vulnerability allows me to feel, and to be aware of my loneliness, teaching me how to get out of that, and it teaches me of my deep need for Christ.
Allow yourself to be shaken by the wind, tossed by the waves, and broken and healed by relationships. I think only then can we truly understand (or even begin to understand) the boldness and beauty of Christ's own vulnerable nature and His sacrifice for us. Maybe then we can enter into companionship with Him and through that He will guide into more relationships that will likely involve risks and feelings, but they will also produce fruit and with that deep and wise love.
**this has been edited for readability. he came back from romania in love with a girl; and he and i don't really talk anymore. i miss my friend, but am still moving. rebekah's now enganged to a wonderful man, whom i love and respect, named ted.**
***since i wrote that last comment and typed this note, without publishing it, he has since gotten out of said relationship. we talk often. we're not together. i think i'm still waiting, for what, i do not know. it's been two and a half years since i sent this email to rebekah. rebekah's getting married in a month.***
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