the end of water

watch this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZFJP1MArY74

legos-and stopping the streams of consciousness

where do we belong?

is it here, in this place? 

or is there in that?

does each piece have a mate or do some float on their own?

are we encompassed in the mess of it all, surrounded on each side?

where is the room to breathe? what is the shape we make?

are we in the right place?

am i in the right place?

am i with the right set, or did i come in the wrong box?

fitting together. nestled. yellow, black, white, red, green, orange and blue. 

what do we see? what do they see?

where do i belong? red, black, green, yellow, white, orange, and blue.

i suppose someone will place me sooner or later.

i wonder what i am, and where i'll go.

missing peter pan

i feel like there's something between us, and i don't mean the buildings.

it feels like i have hit a wall, and there's no getting past it. 

when did it happen? was it you? is it something i did? is it simply nature taking her course?

i felt so good about letting go, and still do, to be honest. but i sometimes wonder what you think when we're together... 

does she still like me? should i distance myself so that she doesn't? 

it's really none of my business what you think. we're friends though, right?... or were anyway. what happened?

did your wondering carry you too far into the realm of make-believe? 

i know mine did. i allowed myself to think that maybe someday, if you were willing, something could be good. 

something could even be safe. 

but did i hurt you there? in the wondering? i'm sorry if i did. and i am sorry if it's that which keeps us from the friendship we once had. i miss it. 

i miss you.

after the wondering, i find life outside of the daydream i enjoyed for so long to be mundane. simple. 

i can like it, if i choose.

i feel like i am growing up. leaving all those un-reciprocated feelings in the past. 

i guess we all have to leave neverland sometime. 

maybe you are peter pan, and i am wendy. 

you, the boy who in his curiosity and playfulness, forgot his friend, who had to return home. 

away from the fairy tale, and from love. 

or maybe it's the other way around, and this fairy tale is carrying me away.

i have a thimble if ever you decide to come and get it. you left your shadow here too, but that too will soon pass.

the sun will shine anew on the things that once held the memory of you.

conversations and dead insects

i killed a bug today. it was by accident. i was walking and stepped on it. i was watching the little creature walk along, thinking to myself, hey, you should be careful so as to not step on that little thing... and then i stepped on it because the velocity at which my foot was falling to the ground and the time it took for my brain to send the message to my foot were off... and a life was lost.

i also got to talk to a dear friend of mine, one i haven't talked to in quite some time,  over the phone. i kind of suck on the phone. but talking to aaron reminded me of the beauty of technology, and how grateful i am to be able to talk to my friends who are so far away.

if you're reading this, and we're friends, i apologise for my lack of communication. i suck over the phone, and often in person. i'm not very good at taking time to email people, or facebook them, or even do the skype thing.

i'm working on it, but let's be honest, i get lost in other worlds, and sometimes forget how to live in this one. (by this one, i mean the one outside of blog world and the one that my hands and feet and lungs are existing in, while this blog version of me is simply a franchised version of myself...)

on that note, i'm off to the world of dreams and sleep.

dreamer, where are you off to? 

i'm off to life! where else would i go.

nowhere, you would stay here with me and be content, exclaimed the muse.

i have to leave, but i'm sure we'll meet each other again, sometime soon.

over and out good buddy.

i got published once...

things that happen;

i am awake and so unaware

fans blowing from computers, stovetops,

bathrooms, ceilings, 

& engines.

lights blinking from off, to on, then off, on, and then back to off again.

lights in houses, garages, grocery stores, hallways,

bedrooms, closets, caves, refrigerators, under lampshades,

over mirrors and garage doors

above the front door, back door, & side door of my house.

Christmas lights, hanging lanterns and all the other lights...

metal against metal:

buzzing, scraping, ringing, and resonating

on earrings, in the dishwasher, change in your pocket.

clinking chains on a bicycle as the tires rotate, 

bells in a clock tower, on a harp, guitar strings & bass strings,

cello & violin.

people clapping their hands

when they're excited

and gasping

out of anger.

snapping their fingers cracking their knuckles

biting

their nails

kneading dough, picking their noses, picking their pimples

feeling newspaper, rubbing their clothing.

stirring

wafting incense, smoking cigarettes, folding laundry.

brushing their hair, petting animals, petting people, 

petting themselves

love and fear...

'there is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear; for fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not reached perfection in love...'

i john 4.18

that's the verse of the day according to the sojourners email i got today at 1.09 pm

it reminds me that i'm not ready... i'm a little scared and am not sure if i really know how to love.

i still need to sit at the door before i can truly participate in this story of love, hope, and life.

--

it reminds me of when i was in the 7th grade and my friend brian was too scared to ride the batman ride at magic mountain. since he didn't think he could handle it, we went on 'goldrusher,' a much milder ride with absolutely no line (for pretty good reason), about 21 times-maybe more... we just kept getting off and jumping in 'line' and riding it over and over again. we sat in different seats so that we could get a different perspective each time... and because the alternative was too scary. when i tried to push him to move on, because i thought he was ready; he pushed back and i still have a scar on my shoulder to prove it.

--

thank you for your patience as i keep riding this roller coaster. i'd really like to go on the next one, but i don't think i've quite got this one figured out yet. i know if i try to move on too soon, i'll get a scar, or i might give you one, and i'm not sure if i can handle that right now.

thanks for your patience. 

over and out.

for another day

at the end of a day

filled with utmost joy and deep

dreadful sorrow

i remember

i am so young

it has been quite some time since i truly considered all that i have left to experience

those dreams undone

faces unseen

hands unheld

voices unheard

words unsaid

lovers unknown

as i lie in my bed

thinking on these things

i remember to save those thoughts and desires

keep waiting i tell myself

for another day