things are all changing up and making the world smell strange

it's been some time since

i shaved my legs and we talked about your life

you wondered about her and asked me what to do

she called you and i said i didn't know, but it sounds like it could happen

we stayed up all night talking, praying, and laughing

i thought it was all happening to everyone but me

i got those questions about 'us'

we went through the closets and got rid of our shit

          things were ours and not just yours and mine

we've sung songs, even the ones we didn't really like

we smoked and shared life together

you gave me that look that i can't get out of my mind

more recently

you got food all over your face and used my  handkerchief to clean it up

          because you're a messy eater

i still haven't shaved my legs

you knew that i would remember even when you didn't

          so you asked me to come along, and i did

we met and stayed together for hours longer than we had planned

we sang songs, even the ones we don't really like

i got those questions about 'us'

your life is an old book, opening up to new parts

you gave me that look that i can't get out of my mind

the boy who noticed:

the possibility that precariously placed pockets

containing moist, broken leaf bits might procure

a pleasant smile and a confirmation of one's

childlike behavior

is like the corner of a dream

it's not one billion to one

it's more like clouds to a vintage tea set

found in a waste-bin

it's wonderful

it smells like fresh-cut grass or

dew on a flower in the warmth of the sun

on a cool clear morning.

industry has nothing to do with it.

i was sitting in starbucks, 'doing homework' one morning in December, attempting to get my work completed. due to the early hour, boredom was beginning to set in, so i attempted to find a way to balance my tea bags on the stirring stick between my lap-top and the tall tea mug from which the bags had just been removed.  having been quite successful in my endeavors, i left the bags floating, balanced ever so gently. a boy walked in shortly after and stopped dead in his tracks to take a closer look at the tea bags.  he commented on them saying something to the affect of "that is the best way to store anything. balance everything!" and he was cute. and he smiled. . . and i felt amazing about myself.

keep moving world, keep movin'

This is another not new bit of writing... it's from last fall, probably September sometime.

Shapes, sizes , values, they all have meaning to individuals, cultures, within certain eras, etc... every generation has an ideal - one they so generously impose on the generations that follow. Our parents were told what was right and what was wrong by their parents, preceded by their parents' parents before that.  In this world there have been generations and generations of human beings feeling inadequate.  our economy grows and shrinks, as do our bodies.  It's sad that in the world that is southern california we have such a skewed value system.  we value strength, money, thinness. . . we value time in the sense that, "I have enough time to go to a movie," or "I have enough time to go on that much needed vacation...to Hawaii..." or some other foreign place that we must fly or drive to, and once we're there, we rape their culture with tourism as a means of resting.  We must leave to find "rest".  I often wonder if it is actually rest that is found.  More than once, I have heard it said, "I need a vacation after having taken my vacation."

On a lighter note - I really enjoy seeing people who look like their animals.

* * *

Meeting people is an interesting task. I love people watching. One of my favorite groups to watch is little kids. Children are so innocent - this should have been obvious to me - i love when you're watching a kid and then find one watching back. They'll look at you for a while, size you up, and then, unbeknownst to the individual(s) who are caring for them, they shoot you a smile. These smiles are what I am convinced keep the world moving. The sweet smile of a child - so unwarranted and pure.

two poems.

spirit of an independent, non-submissive, cynical, yet hopeful me
24 november 2007

oh un-reciprocated crushes
. . .
your smile is so gentle and kind
your eyes are soft and quiet
your voice is warm, like the song of the wind at the end of spring.
your words are always gracious and encouraging; yet your heart so conflicted.
your arms are strong,
and your skin like the smooth face of a rock on the perfect summer day,
the sun beating down
. . .
all this to say: thanks for all the warm feelings and silly daydreams


popcorn
28 october 2007

i am a fickle flirt. i've realised this about myself.
i find myself think fondly of a boy, person, whatever, ... and so in my mind i like them...
this goes on for a few weeks.
usually somewhere right around four; sometimes less, sometimes more. so, i like the boy, and then i get over it.
let's face it: i'm not a player, i just crush a lot.

i've decided it is so much easier to be in a committed relationship.
that way, when anything comes up that might be or become a crush, it's easily abated.
the feelings pass; you get over it.
this is not the case with the single individual.

lame.

see, when you're single there's this thing that society picks on and says, "Hey, you haven't 'found' anyone yet..."
while at the same time forcing you to look at every individual as a potential whatever...
this is stupid.
the best part is that when you begin looking at anyone as a potential anything, they then meet their 'potential' other.
oh yes; that's always grand. just wonderful.
i guess it's good because it helps you have a better understanding of where your desires should lie... but outside of that, it mainly just kind of sucks.
well... cést la vie right?
whatever.

23 february 2006...

This was written a long time ago, and recently, I've been made aware that I still need to hear it: (this has been edited for readability and to save me from any personal humiliation...)

i have a crush on a boy... he's a pretty great guy. BUT i am waiting... and he, i'm pretty sure is still very much in love with someone else.
Misty girl, pray that God will teach you to be patient while you're waiting. Pray that God will give you such great peace and that in that peace you'll be made aware of God's thoughts and words in all that you do. Be patient young one. You have so much life ahead of you. the Lord your God has got such wonderful plans. Don't forget, and don't be afraid to do whatever you are called to. Even if you think you might miss a chance to have something or someone you might not have the chance to see otherwise. God will take care of it all. Let the Lord guide you. follow and you'll live. Your desires have been put there by Jesus, wait in patience and believe that God will guide and direct your path. remember though, that you have to keep walking to figure out where it leads. sometimes there will be signs, but when there are not, keep walking. otherwise you won't get anywhere.
Acknowledge your nothingness and surrender your poverty before the Lord. You might fall, and you will definitely stumble, but acknowledge these parts of life, and find peace in getting up again. Surround yourself with friends, and there will always be hands to help you up, because you have been there and offered your hand too. Live in reciprocity. give without expecting to receive, but trust that what you need exists in community. Embrace that community and live in love.
God give you peace and love little one.
be good to yourself.

i met this guy that i used to know the other day. we hung out. i remembered why i liked him... i don't know what that means. i guess time will tell. until then, i will breathe deep and wait. it's been over 2 years. time and i are becoming friends, so maybe she'll start talking more.
we'll see.

until then, i'll try being good to myself.