the end of water

watch this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZFJP1MArY74

legos-and stopping the streams of consciousness

where do we belong?

is it here, in this place? 

or is there in that?

does each piece have a mate or do some float on their own?

are we encompassed in the mess of it all, surrounded on each side?

where is the room to breathe? what is the shape we make?

are we in the right place?

am i in the right place?

am i with the right set, or did i come in the wrong box?

fitting together. nestled. yellow, black, white, red, green, orange and blue. 

what do we see? what do they see?

where do i belong? red, black, green, yellow, white, orange, and blue.

i suppose someone will place me sooner or later.

i wonder what i am, and where i'll go.

missing peter pan

i feel like there's something between us, and i don't mean the buildings.

it feels like i have hit a wall, and there's no getting past it. 

when did it happen? was it you? is it something i did? is it simply nature taking her course?

i felt so good about letting go, and still do, to be honest. but i sometimes wonder what you think when we're together... 

does she still like me? should i distance myself so that she doesn't? 

it's really none of my business what you think. we're friends though, right?... or were anyway. what happened?

did your wondering carry you too far into the realm of make-believe? 

i know mine did. i allowed myself to think that maybe someday, if you were willing, something could be good. 

something could even be safe. 

but did i hurt you there? in the wondering? i'm sorry if i did. and i am sorry if it's that which keeps us from the friendship we once had. i miss it. 

i miss you.

after the wondering, i find life outside of the daydream i enjoyed for so long to be mundane. simple. 

i can like it, if i choose.

i feel like i am growing up. leaving all those un-reciprocated feelings in the past. 

i guess we all have to leave neverland sometime. 

maybe you are peter pan, and i am wendy. 

you, the boy who in his curiosity and playfulness, forgot his friend, who had to return home. 

away from the fairy tale, and from love. 

or maybe it's the other way around, and this fairy tale is carrying me away.

i have a thimble if ever you decide to come and get it. you left your shadow here too, but that too will soon pass.

the sun will shine anew on the things that once held the memory of you.

conversations and dead insects

i killed a bug today. it was by accident. i was walking and stepped on it. i was watching the little creature walk along, thinking to myself, hey, you should be careful so as to not step on that little thing... and then i stepped on it because the velocity at which my foot was falling to the ground and the time it took for my brain to send the message to my foot were off... and a life was lost.

i also got to talk to a dear friend of mine, one i haven't talked to in quite some time,  over the phone. i kind of suck on the phone. but talking to aaron reminded me of the beauty of technology, and how grateful i am to be able to talk to my friends who are so far away.

if you're reading this, and we're friends, i apologise for my lack of communication. i suck over the phone, and often in person. i'm not very good at taking time to email people, or facebook them, or even do the skype thing.

i'm working on it, but let's be honest, i get lost in other worlds, and sometimes forget how to live in this one. (by this one, i mean the one outside of blog world and the one that my hands and feet and lungs are existing in, while this blog version of me is simply a franchised version of myself...)

on that note, i'm off to the world of dreams and sleep.

dreamer, where are you off to? 

i'm off to life! where else would i go.

nowhere, you would stay here with me and be content, exclaimed the muse.

i have to leave, but i'm sure we'll meet each other again, sometime soon.

over and out good buddy.

i got published once...

things that happen;

i am awake and so unaware

fans blowing from computers, stovetops,

bathrooms, ceilings, 

& engines.

lights blinking from off, to on, then off, on, and then back to off again.

lights in houses, garages, grocery stores, hallways,

bedrooms, closets, caves, refrigerators, under lampshades,

over mirrors and garage doors

above the front door, back door, & side door of my house.

Christmas lights, hanging lanterns and all the other lights...

metal against metal:

buzzing, scraping, ringing, and resonating

on earrings, in the dishwasher, change in your pocket.

clinking chains on a bicycle as the tires rotate, 

bells in a clock tower, on a harp, guitar strings & bass strings,

cello & violin.

people clapping their hands

when they're excited

and gasping

out of anger.

snapping their fingers cracking their knuckles

biting

their nails

kneading dough, picking their noses, picking their pimples

feeling newspaper, rubbing their clothing.

stirring

wafting incense, smoking cigarettes, folding laundry.

brushing their hair, petting animals, petting people, 

petting themselves

love and fear...

'there is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear; for fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not reached perfection in love...'

i john 4.18

that's the verse of the day according to the sojourners email i got today at 1.09 pm

it reminds me that i'm not ready... i'm a little scared and am not sure if i really know how to love.

i still need to sit at the door before i can truly participate in this story of love, hope, and life.

--

it reminds me of when i was in the 7th grade and my friend brian was too scared to ride the batman ride at magic mountain. since he didn't think he could handle it, we went on 'goldrusher,' a much milder ride with absolutely no line (for pretty good reason), about 21 times-maybe more... we just kept getting off and jumping in 'line' and riding it over and over again. we sat in different seats so that we could get a different perspective each time... and because the alternative was too scary. when i tried to push him to move on, because i thought he was ready; he pushed back and i still have a scar on my shoulder to prove it.

--

thank you for your patience as i keep riding this roller coaster. i'd really like to go on the next one, but i don't think i've quite got this one figured out yet. i know if i try to move on too soon, i'll get a scar, or i might give you one, and i'm not sure if i can handle that right now.

thanks for your patience. 

over and out.

for another day

at the end of a day

filled with utmost joy and deep

dreadful sorrow

i remember

i am so young

it has been quite some time since i truly considered all that i have left to experience

those dreams undone

faces unseen

hands unheld

voices unheard

words unsaid

lovers unknown

as i lie in my bed

thinking on these things

i remember to save those thoughts and desires

keep waiting i tell myself

for another day

the commitment

i'm going to blog. often. i need to write. please read, and comment, and let me know your thoughts when you have them.

1. when they first met. quandries on being vulnerable

I know all too well the struggle with feelings, motives, whether or not to feel pain... yadda yadda yadda...

here's a story... there was a helicopter that was flying overhead. it was really low and really loud. I was leaning on the wall and could feel myself vibrating. the helicopter was so close that I could feel the vibrations intensely as it flew close overhead. this whole feeling thing is like trying to convince myself that although i could hear the helicopter, it wasn't actually there and i wasn't really feeling anything at all. it would be like denying the fact that my body was forced into movement. Regardless of whether we acknowledge them or not, things are happening all around us that cause us to feel.

Sometimes it's a simple vibration of the wall from the flight of a helicopter. sometimes, it's the intense and uncontrollable shaking of our beings because of the movement of the Holy Spirit in our lives. Other times its the soft pitter patter of our hearts when a man whom we are attracted to walks into the room. it's in the shaking of our fists because we don't know where to go in life, or what to do, or who to turn to. it's the involuntary shaking of our bodies because its cold and we have no clothes and are malnourished because we live on the streets and have nothing...
Feeling is personal, hard, wonderful, confusing, painful at times, awkward and uncomfortable, strange, alarming, but also joyful, beautiful and most importantly, very real.

On Walkabout during my solo time I spent a lot of time reading "the word." I was immersed in Ezekiel and read all about the pain and the suffering and judgement that Israel went through. But... there are always "buts". . . someday I'd love to give a sermon on God's BIG "But(t)" (in hindsight, perhaps I'd call it something along the lines of, "What happens when God's big ass gets in the way"). So, Ezekiel: in chapter 36 vs 22-37 (focusing on 24-27) God gives this beautiful promise of new, clean, life. V. 26 says "...I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit within you; and I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh."
Now, I LOVE this! God forgives, cleanses and makes new our lives! He, or She, removes these hearts of stone that don't feel, and once broken, cannot be fixed. These weigh our flesh down; stone is heavy and a burden that flesh can only bear so long. God gives us a heart of flesh-meaning a few things: 1) our hearts and bodies are complete, no longer opposed to one another; 2) we get a new chance to feel - something that doesn't really work with stone; and 3) as a part of this feeling, we are given the opportunity for vulnerability! Flesh allows us to feel. Sometimes that involves pain. Sometimes it does not. But the AMAZING thing about flesh is that it heals. In fact, it is self healing! God allows our hearts to feel, be broken yes, but also to be healed from that brokenness. This allows us to feel immense pleasure, and grave pain. And through it all, there is healing and peace. Yes-flesh bleeds, it is scratched, can be cut deeply, and unlike stone, these happen rather easily, BUT also unlike stone, it heals!

[And now more about boys] After my last relationship, for a time I felt worthless. pitiful. idiotic. unfaithful. bitter. dirty... need I say more? And then, at the RA retreat, I got that letter I had written to myself that last day of walkabout. (I'll mention, that usually I hate these things). It didn't say much, which isn't like me (as you can see from this lovely lengthy email). All it said was: "pray for your brother Tommy-and love him, he needs love. remember that you have been created for a beautiful purpose. examine your life and all that God is teaching you- what is God teaching you? stop and think about it. If you still have feelings for [him], pray about it, consider why God has put this amazing friend in your life (is stuff still going on with [her]? if it is, be patient, if it isn't, be patient-basically BE PATIENT). And lastly, if you've forgotten it: you're forgiven, but go back and read Ezekiel 36:22-37. Do whatever you need to feel and make YHWH's name known! and read psalm 103-remember how it made you cry?"

After reading my strangely simple letter to myself I was overwhelmed with feelings! Lots of them! I read the scriptures and couldn't believe how much God had prepared that letter, just a silly piece of paper with words, that I knew would be meaningless, for that time in my life. It's pretty amazing the things we tell ourselves to do then forget. I couldn't believe how prophetic it was. It was ridiculous! Everything about my brother, stopping and thinking about what God was teaching me, stuff with boys and friends, the scripture - everything! It all helped me feel more in my heart than I had truly felt in a long time. Not only was it ok to be vulnerable, it was this little gift that God had given me. Yeah, it would be hard, yeah I might get hurt - in fact, I would get hurt, but it was good, or okay. and now I can say that it IS good.

Back to your email about feelings, I totally understand the fear of closeness - but it takes vulnerability to be close. I am completely afraid to take risks. Because I'm selfish. Full of pride! When I like someone, I find myself longing to tell him how i feel. Talk about vulnerable! But I have to ask myself "mist, what are your motives? do you want him to know because you want him to be madly in love with you?" - yes - "do you think he likes you? why would he like you?" ... and then I start thinking about other things "why should he like you?" and then... "why is this about you? What about him??" That's the hard question. I then realize that my motives, where they should be giving my friend freedom, and helping him see the Living God in our friendship, and having freedom in the Life that God gives, but instead, I am making it about me. Risks are good. Risk is important in the life of faith, and when I hear God telling me that I need to tell him, if that ever happens, I will. Until then, like I told myself to do on walkabout, I will be patient. I have to realize that so much of these thoughts and wishes that I have about/for him, have been centered on me. I need to ask myself, is he ready for a relationship? I know him well enough to know that he really isn't. At least not at this point in his life. Maybe when he gets back from Romania he will be. But if he is, does that mean he should be in a relationship with me? And then the infamous answer: wait. He hasn't even left for Romania yet, and here I am trying to figure out how he'll be when he gets back. I am beginning to think that waiting is a risk too. I don't know what will happen to him in Romania, I don't know what will happen to me in Thailand. Maybe I'll get back and have no feelings for him, which I kind of doubt, but that isn't entirely possible. And what if I were to tell him how I felt before we both left (respectively) and he didn't like me then, but then when he returned he did, only to find out that I felt nothing for him anymore. This scenario could play itself out in my mind over and over and get completely out of control -or- I can wait. Which I am doing. When I get back from Thailand, I know that I'm going to see him. He might actually give me a ride home from the airport, and if I don't see him then, it's likely he'll be at church on Sunday. If not then, eventually, I know we'll see each other, I know we'll hang out. It's inevitable. So, I'll wait for the inevitable. We'll see how I feel then, if I feel the same way, I know I need to take a new kind of risk and share my feelings, and if I don't feel the same way, then there will be new hurdles to jump and when they come I'll be as prepared as I can be. Until then, I know that I can do nothing but feel in each moment. Embrace each feeling and find out how God is calling me to live more abundantly through each feeling. Trying to figure out how I can live a life for the One who gave His Life for the Life of the world.

"This is us trudging our way through experiences heading toward this urge inside of is looking for companionship"

Rebekah, that is a beautiful thought. In it I need to challenge myself that sometimes "companionship" doesn't mean with a man. It is companionship with Christ, with the church, with the world, that I desire. In my humanity, as a woman, yes, I do desire companionship with a man. But until that comes, if it comes, how is my desire for my companionship fulfilled through my relationship with Christ. How can I use my gifts and life to be in companionship with Creation? What is loneliness? A simple feeling? Is it good? I don't think that God calls any to be lonely. He might call some to be alone, and others to be in a partnership, but I think that of all the feelings, hurt, pain, love, loss, excitement... loneliness is the worst. So, I guess, if anything, this vulnerability allows me to feel, and to be aware of my loneliness, teaching me how to get out of that, and it teaches me of my deep need for Christ.

Allow yourself to be shaken by the wind, tossed by the waves, and broken and healed by relationships. I think only then can we truly understand (or even begin to understand) the boldness and beauty of Christ's own vulnerable nature and His sacrifice for us. Maybe then we can enter into companionship with Him and through that He will guide into more relationships that will likely involve risks and feelings, but they will also produce fruit and with that deep and wise love.

**this has been edited for readability. he came back from romania in love with a girl; and he and i don't really talk anymore. i miss my friend, but am still moving. rebekah's now enganged to a wonderful man, whom i love and respect, named ted.**

***since i wrote that last comment and typed this note, without publishing it, he has since gotten out of said relationship. we talk often. we're not together. i think i'm still waiting, for what, i do not know. it's been two and a half years since i sent this email to rebekah. rebekah's getting married in a month.***

for my old roommate and hope for new words

i miss you.

i miss writing too. 

i was thinking about writing earlier today. 

it made me think of you and how you were so good at getting that out of me.

help.

how did we find time to write? did we stop the clock and make the seconds go backwards? 

all the do is fly forward now.

i miss you.

cinnamon and cigarettes.

A few weeks ago I was waiting for a friend to go to some wine bar - that never happened. After sitting outside for a couple of hours for him to come, I decided to go see a movie instead. Because I was early, I sauntered towards the theatre at an uncomfortably slow pace, satiating the inner fear and social stigma associated with being early to a film. As I turned the corner of Walnut and El Molino, there was a man in his car, idling at the green light, windows down, watching me. Initially, I assumed that he was lost; so much for assumptions. As I continued down the street towards the theatre, he drove past and continued staring. I suppose I was pretending not to notice his gaze, but when he stopped a few hundred yards away from me, I hoped he was going to ask for directions. 

As I passed him I asked if he was in fact lost.

     no. he politely responded. what are you looking for?

I didn't know what to say, so i responded as best I knew how:

     nothing.

he proceeded to ask again what i was looking for. 

again, nothing.

     where are you going? do you want me to come with you?

     no. but thank you?

     do you want to come with me?

     no. 

     do you want a ride?

     no. i'm really close and i like walking. have a good night okay.

     what's your name?

     misty. goodnight. 

and i waved as i walked away. 

I got to the show twenty minutes early. Bored, I smoked outside with the other folks who were early and ashamed to sit in the empty theatre alone. As we stood in our silent worlds, thinking to ourselves, likely wondering if smoking would actually kill us, or if it would be something else, something more dramatic - like a car crash or a broken heart, a shaky woman walked towards us all, screaming obscenities. Two of the men nearby were watching her snickering slightly. As she drew nearer, she looked at them and yelled,

     do me! just do it already. to prove that you're a human!

she spat on them, and walked away, yelling. 

as she crossed the street. With the red hand quietly telling her that crossing was not allowed, she was almost hit by a car. 

instead, she banged on the hood screaming at the driver. laughing. 

at 10pm gonzo started. i ate an entire box of hot tamales and only finished half of my pomegranate odowalla juice. 

it was tangy.

thursday to today - the tears that trespassed time then trickled away

i wonder what intentional communities really look like. how they started, what they've become, or what they'll be in 20 years. how does this influence the world we live in? how does it make it a better place? am i really supposed to do this? i feel like i am, but there are so many things that deter me from this dream. and with that, am i supposed to stay in the united states? i don't know that i want to. i could go to india, or eastern central africa, or eastern europe, or a remote island with happy people who never argue and who get along famously...

or i could sit here on my duff and not do anything.

i'll figure it out later. i've got to go to work. in l.a. on skid row, with these kids i'm learning to enjoy a lot more than i think they enjoy me. i hope we can find a mutual respect for one another as we live together for this short time...

maybe that's what community is.

deeper breaths

do you ever wonder who you would be without technology? what this world would be without it? i do. i wonder how much more tactile we would be. what would we do without our microwaves? i used mine twice in one day. both times to heat up butter. if i would have planned in advance i could have just set it out so that it would be soft. 

do you ever wonder what the world would be like without judgement?

would we touch each other more? would we hold hands without being afraid of what things 'mean?' i wanted to hold a friends hand today, but it would have been uncomfortable. i felt judged, without having done anything. i feel like a child in that holding hands is a simple act of saying, 'hi. you make me feel cared for. thank you.' but it's not okay when you're an adult. 

I ache inside knowing that there are almost 7 billion individuals in this world and that the majority of them have only a fraction of what I do. I wonder about what I can do in light of the situation of global poverty. I suppose educating myself is something, but I long to find some way to act. I hear all of the time that responsibility lies with those who have power, and although I feel deeply responsible I often find myself not knowing where to start. 

I started at central city community outreach yesterday. 

The kids play on the internet. On myspace. It's weird that myspace has replaced real life. If I have kids, I pray that this won't be their life. I pray that we can find a way to live. really live.

Little Walking Mountain Sister

9 May 2008. met my biological brother when i was buying vegan cookies from "Oh Happy Days," the store where he works. Found out no letter was received, even though i sent it.  I have a brother; Cody. we have the same eyes. I have an older brother named Zack. Another one named Elie, and yes, I have a sister.  Her name is Sadie. My Indian name, from Ralph, Cody and I's father, is Little Walking Mountain Sister. Cody's Indian name is Desert Walking Summer Shower.  I am that much cooler simply due to that fact. 

10 May 2008. Cody called to give me the digits of my new family.  I coerced him into stopping by my work, he brought a little lady named Made-E-lion who happened to be the woman who carried me in her womb for a while.  She's adorable.  We necklace swapped and story dropped for an almost two hours.  It was Mexican Mothers Day.  Fortuitous.  

11 May 2008. breathed deep. felt at peace, more than in a long time.

12 May 2008. decided i should tell a boy i liked him, for serious this time. instead i asked how his heart was with his past relationship. that was a great idea... it'll be a while before we talk about anything i think. but maybe not. 

13 May 2008. Woke up 30 minutes ago. right on schedule. Planning on getting rid of my alarm if this keeps happening. 

Good morning Jesus, thank you for this love.  Thank you for this life.

things are all changing up and making the world smell strange

it's been some time since

i shaved my legs and we talked about your life

you wondered about her and asked me what to do

she called you and i said i didn't know, but it sounds like it could happen

we stayed up all night talking, praying, and laughing

i thought it was all happening to everyone but me

i got those questions about 'us'

we went through the closets and got rid of our shit

          things were ours and not just yours and mine

we've sung songs, even the ones we didn't really like

we smoked and shared life together

you gave me that look that i can't get out of my mind

more recently

you got food all over your face and used my  handkerchief to clean it up

          because you're a messy eater

i still haven't shaved my legs

you knew that i would remember even when you didn't

          so you asked me to come along, and i did

we met and stayed together for hours longer than we had planned

we sang songs, even the ones we don't really like

i got those questions about 'us'

your life is an old book, opening up to new parts

you gave me that look that i can't get out of my mind

the boy who noticed:

the possibility that precariously placed pockets

containing moist, broken leaf bits might procure

a pleasant smile and a confirmation of one's

childlike behavior

is like the corner of a dream

it's not one billion to one

it's more like clouds to a vintage tea set

found in a waste-bin

it's wonderful

it smells like fresh-cut grass or

dew on a flower in the warmth of the sun

on a cool clear morning.

industry has nothing to do with it.

i was sitting in starbucks, 'doing homework' one morning in December, attempting to get my work completed. due to the early hour, boredom was beginning to set in, so i attempted to find a way to balance my tea bags on the stirring stick between my lap-top and the tall tea mug from which the bags had just been removed.  having been quite successful in my endeavors, i left the bags floating, balanced ever so gently. a boy walked in shortly after and stopped dead in his tracks to take a closer look at the tea bags.  he commented on them saying something to the affect of "that is the best way to store anything. balance everything!" and he was cute. and he smiled. . . and i felt amazing about myself.

keep moving world, keep movin'

This is another not new bit of writing... it's from last fall, probably September sometime.

Shapes, sizes , values, they all have meaning to individuals, cultures, within certain eras, etc... every generation has an ideal - one they so generously impose on the generations that follow. Our parents were told what was right and what was wrong by their parents, preceded by their parents' parents before that.  In this world there have been generations and generations of human beings feeling inadequate.  our economy grows and shrinks, as do our bodies.  It's sad that in the world that is southern california we have such a skewed value system.  we value strength, money, thinness. . . we value time in the sense that, "I have enough time to go to a movie," or "I have enough time to go on that much needed vacation...to Hawaii..." or some other foreign place that we must fly or drive to, and once we're there, we rape their culture with tourism as a means of resting.  We must leave to find "rest".  I often wonder if it is actually rest that is found.  More than once, I have heard it said, "I need a vacation after having taken my vacation."

On a lighter note - I really enjoy seeing people who look like their animals.

* * *

Meeting people is an interesting task. I love people watching. One of my favorite groups to watch is little kids. Children are so innocent - this should have been obvious to me - i love when you're watching a kid and then find one watching back. They'll look at you for a while, size you up, and then, unbeknownst to the individual(s) who are caring for them, they shoot you a smile. These smiles are what I am convinced keep the world moving. The sweet smile of a child - so unwarranted and pure.

two poems.

spirit of an independent, non-submissive, cynical, yet hopeful me
24 november 2007

oh un-reciprocated crushes
. . .
your smile is so gentle and kind
your eyes are soft and quiet
your voice is warm, like the song of the wind at the end of spring.
your words are always gracious and encouraging; yet your heart so conflicted.
your arms are strong,
and your skin like the smooth face of a rock on the perfect summer day,
the sun beating down
. . .
all this to say: thanks for all the warm feelings and silly daydreams


popcorn
28 october 2007

i am a fickle flirt. i've realised this about myself.
i find myself think fondly of a boy, person, whatever, ... and so in my mind i like them...
this goes on for a few weeks.
usually somewhere right around four; sometimes less, sometimes more. so, i like the boy, and then i get over it.
let's face it: i'm not a player, i just crush a lot.

i've decided it is so much easier to be in a committed relationship.
that way, when anything comes up that might be or become a crush, it's easily abated.
the feelings pass; you get over it.
this is not the case with the single individual.

lame.

see, when you're single there's this thing that society picks on and says, "Hey, you haven't 'found' anyone yet..."
while at the same time forcing you to look at every individual as a potential whatever...
this is stupid.
the best part is that when you begin looking at anyone as a potential anything, they then meet their 'potential' other.
oh yes; that's always grand. just wonderful.
i guess it's good because it helps you have a better understanding of where your desires should lie... but outside of that, it mainly just kind of sucks.
well... cést la vie right?
whatever.

23 february 2006...

This was written a long time ago, and recently, I've been made aware that I still need to hear it: (this has been edited for readability and to save me from any personal humiliation...)

i have a crush on a boy... he's a pretty great guy. BUT i am waiting... and he, i'm pretty sure is still very much in love with someone else.
Misty girl, pray that God will teach you to be patient while you're waiting. Pray that God will give you such great peace and that in that peace you'll be made aware of God's thoughts and words in all that you do. Be patient young one. You have so much life ahead of you. the Lord your God has got such wonderful plans. Don't forget, and don't be afraid to do whatever you are called to. Even if you think you might miss a chance to have something or someone you might not have the chance to see otherwise. God will take care of it all. Let the Lord guide you. follow and you'll live. Your desires have been put there by Jesus, wait in patience and believe that God will guide and direct your path. remember though, that you have to keep walking to figure out where it leads. sometimes there will be signs, but when there are not, keep walking. otherwise you won't get anywhere.
Acknowledge your nothingness and surrender your poverty before the Lord. You might fall, and you will definitely stumble, but acknowledge these parts of life, and find peace in getting up again. Surround yourself with friends, and there will always be hands to help you up, because you have been there and offered your hand too. Live in reciprocity. give without expecting to receive, but trust that what you need exists in community. Embrace that community and live in love.
God give you peace and love little one.
be good to yourself.

i met this guy that i used to know the other day. we hung out. i remembered why i liked him... i don't know what that means. i guess time will tell. until then, i will breathe deep and wait. it's been over 2 years. time and i are becoming friends, so maybe she'll start talking more.
we'll see.

until then, i'll try being good to myself.

i recently told a new acquaintance about myself... [in march]

[i forgot to mention that i walk almost everywhere i go]

i've got to make this fairly quick, but i wanted to respond before i left; mostly because i fear that if i didn't, i would forget to respond completely upon my return - i'm really bad at these things... especially when i know they'll take me a while... i'll do my best to respond in kind to your last set of questions.

first, i don't really have a couch, so i won't be doing that... though i'd prefer to be outside all hours of the day anyway. and second, i don't have time to tell you everything, sorry, but i'll do my best to put myself in one of those nice gift-wrapped boxes that people seem to enjoy so much.

like i said, i like being outside, however, if you ask anyone who knows me, for the most part, they would know that 'like' is a completely inappropriate word. 'love' is incorrect as well. kieran once told me (in his kindest rude manner-i say this with a smile) that my desire to be outside was very "American" about me... I hated that, however, I have resigned to allow myself at least one - hopefully not much more than that - thing in my life that might qualify my citizenship... I would also like to think that Kieran is wrong. Anyway, I have a need to be outside, to see the sun, the feel moving air, to touch the grass with my bare feet, to not just watch the rain fall but to somehow be a part of it. I can't avoid it. without spending too much time in one area, to say the least, I had a unique experience as a child, and though I've always loved being outside, over the last few years, in an effort to reclaim myself as a child, I've learned to love being outside even more. it has become much more a requirement for a good day than a leisure. They are few and far between the days that I don't spend much time outside. Southern California weather has fueled this luxury.

if you look on facebook or myspace or any other internet site that i may have begun a page on and toyed with for more than a few minutes, or that others have written on, you might likely find comments made by myself or another calling me a hippie, or a vagabond, a bohemian, nomad, granola-chic, whatever... all of these terms have both negative and positive connotations... and like most words are limited by their definitions. when asked to use my own words i find i change them as often as possible. i second guess what i've just said - almost every time. with that in mind here's a little about me.

i was adopted. born in la to people that i do not know. i was moved to a foster family that became the only family i would know as my own. yes. i would like to meet my biological parents/mother/brother/family... someday. hopefully sooner than not. i grew up in southern california. my parents-who adopted me- went to church, so i went to church. we went to very different churches even though they met in the same building. i went to children's church, and they went to big church. throughout my childhood i was convinced that they learned very different things than i did. i felt this way about most adults who talked about my friend Jesus as if he didnt' actually exist. it was strange to me. i hated church and loved Jesus, i find that some of the feelings from my childhood didn't go away.

[here i feel i must clarify that i do love the church, the body of Christ, the movement of Christ in the world through humanity, but i also get frustrated with what some of the louder, wealthier members of the body say... ref. Torture & Eucharist by William T. Cavanaugh, The Politics of Jesus by John H. Yoder, For the Life of the World by Alexander Schmemann. . . side note - i think i would marry alexander schmemann if he were alive and if he would have me... which i doubt he would...]

in the same way that many have reading disabilities and and mental disorders - inabilities to do,or perform, in certain, proper ways - i have a system-disability/disorder/inability. it is something that is both innate, coming from the depths of my being, and yet has been nurtured by my surroundings. i have always had a preference for the outcasts. i am drawn to those that are pushed to the fringes and margins. the systems that say person A has to follow certain guidelines and behaviours and person B has a completely different set of rules has never made sense to me. When learning about the Caste system in India as a young girl I cried a little, but more than anything I chose to disagree. I decided that if i were in India, there would be no way that I would be ok with where I was. but what if i didn't know to not agree... ? i dont' know... I'm rambling now and am on a tangent...

where was i going with that? who knows?
though i'm not too familiar with french culture and how much these words might mean to you, i am...
a follower of Christ. i won't lie; it's been a while since i've sat down and read a book of the bible by myself...i also don't believe that anything outside of the breath of God, the One who exists, that makes us holy, or wise, or alive... so, i guess it's ok, for now, that i don't always read... it's not that i forget, i think it's that i don't forget that keeps me from 'daily devotions'. my life is devotion. inasmuch as i can and it can be, each breath is God's and that's about all I can ask for.

you asked what i'm looking for at fuller... outside of a reason to defer my loans (which, let's be honest, is a reality) i'm looking for a means of strengthening my ability to think and respond that i might, as an individual and in community, open up to the Kingdom that is here, and open others up to that Kingdom. I need qualifications and certifications that say i'm bona fide and able. i also long for community and to learn, always to learn, and i know that Fuller is a place where i can do that. i've known a lot of people who have studied there and more and more it seems to be a place for me. it has been 'on my radar' for some time and it seems like it could be a really great place for me to learn. when i stop and think about it, i should probably be a lot more intentional about being there.

what makes my belly on fire? most things. i was told by a professor a few years ago that i should be a mennonite because we share similar ideals, "But," he said, "you're too aggressive, or passionate, I think, even for the mennonites." pride makes me nauseous to the point of no return. the idea of people actually hating other people revolts me. hate, it seems to me, is the most pride-filled endeavor, that any human being can pursue. for any of us to actually and actively 'hate' something is to say to that thing which we hate, "I am above you and therefore better, so I will do whatever I can do to remove you from existence..." or something like that... often times the 'thing' is a person, or a people group. No one, not anyone, from the dictators of the third world to tribal leaders to monarchs and rulers of the developed nations, no one deserves to be hated and oppressed. pride is what motivates humanity on many levels... i don't fit in that system. . .

anyway, this email has taken me far longer than planned and i need to get packing... someday i'd like to write a book... i've been encouraged in that.
my desire in life is to be an avenue of hope. an injection of freedom in a bound world, for all that i meet and come across, i desire to share with them the 'fools' hope that i have for each day, to strive for sustainable relationships with the earth and with one another. i pray that my life would be an event of justice and i acknowledge daily that is an event of grace. i want to be Jesus while acknowledging that I am in desperate need of Christ and the death of the One who is Holy. i won't ever be Jesus actually, but his lifestyle is ideal when it comes to lifestyles...

that's about all i can ask for and all that i have. my life's motto is 'what's mine is yours.'

well, if any of that makes sense you should have a better picture of who i am. sometimes i forget to filter things... i'm pretty surprised i haven't cussed yet... that's a fairly normal part of my life... but then again, i didn't really talk about God as much as I usually do... i'm sure that will come.

til then, may the death of Christ and the journey to the cross that we are all called to you make you restless and bring you to Christ for peace.

**this is an un-edited response to an email from a new acquaintance of mine; he asked me to tell everything about myself... that was when i decided to start a blog. thanks for joining me so far. more to come, less about me i think, perhaps more, but i figured, if i was going to 'get it all out there' on the internet, i should probably tell a little about who i am. thanks for sticking along**

escaping to escape

i was a part of a conversation tonight about purpose and how the character Luke, in the film Cool Hand Luke, didn't really have a purpose and when he escaped, it was simply to escape... i identify with that.
i don't know what my purpose is... but i may find something here... i've decided i don't share what i write enough, maybe this will help.

eventually.